I was always a very hungry girl.
Nothing was enough, no one could love me enough. There was this huge void inside of me , devouring everything it could and crying out for more. It was no doubt at age 14 I began getting into trouble, left home ,skipped school and started doing vast amounts of lsd. I was skinny and not as developed as I would have liked to be and my life consisted of doing anything possible to look older. I smoked Galiouses and other French cigarettes. I drank Jack Daniels and Amaretto , hung out with much older kids…got high. Dyed my hair blonde, then purple.I also had sex for the first time when I was 14. A strange boy on a skateboard with an impossibly high mowhawk. He was so sexy I initiated it.
I was having a slumber party with six other young teens girls . We were standing on wobbly legs, drunk and hanging off of my 2nd floor apartment railing, looking for trouble, danger, fun. I seen a punk rock boy by the basketball courts doing skateboard tricks, hair blue, lips painted black. My heart quickened. I began showing off on the balcony, the brazenly called him up. All seven of us stood giggling and trying to impress this boy,me the most. I was trying to impress my friends too and flirted with him outrageously. After another drink I smiled and grabbed his hand and said ” Do you want to do it?” The other girls had been planning to play truth or dare and I was determined not to look childish and I so wanted to be the girl he chose. I couldnt take NOT being chose. “Hell, Yes” he said,SO I took him back into my mother’s bedroom and we lay on the bed and he told me to spread my legs.
I had known that already and felt stupid and childish for not automatically spreading them. When he put his engorged penis inside I swear it didn’t even hurt, so anxious was I to do adult things .He moved it back and forth and I thought it was pleasureable but..was a little let down. This is it? Afterwards I looked at him, imagined handcuffing him to the bed to keep him and laughed. He was so cute. I began tracing tiny hearts on his skin with my finger tip, hoping to start another fire and have him again,see if there were more to this. I imagined being his girlfriend, carrying his skateboard. I must of been smiling to myself and looking mushy because he (John) groaned and rolled away and said ” Oh No, Are you going to fall in love with me, because I dont want a girlfriend”. He fished black lipstick out of a shredded pocket and smeared it on his lips,looking in the dresser mirror. A young Robert from The Cure.
In fact, we were listening to The Cure. I sat up in bed, pulling the sheet over my meager form. ” NO I am not ” I said and smiled, some ugly thing inside of me coiled up, stealing my breath. He smiles with ease and said ” “Good ..I am glad you are not a virgin..they always fall in love with me ” . The ugly thing coiled up again. I was too shy to tell him I had been a virgin now. I didn’t like this boy now, I was disillusioned and it felt like he had wounded me. I could hear my jealous friend Ana crying from the living room. I smiled at him evil, lit a Galiouse.. ” :Yeah well not this one” I said and stormed off with the sheet around me, leaving him alone ..suddenly I wasnt quite ready to brag about my experience. And suddenly I knew boys would always do this, unless you did it to them FIRST .