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by Generosa Goodhand
www.generosa-goodhand.com
generosagoodhand@aol.com
Not only is Generosa Goodhand one of the most ravishing women in Chicago,
she is a brilliant and creative writer. Her perspective is unique and always very real. Join her
in this series.
MANIFESTO PART TWO : I WANT TO BE
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I was always a very hungry girl. Nothing was enough, no one could
love me enough. There was this huge void inside of me , devouring
everything it could and crying out for more. It was no doubt at age
14 I began getting into trouble, left home ,skipped school and started
doing vast amounts of lsd. I was skinny and not as developed as I
would have liked to be and my life consisted of doing anything
possible to look older. I smoked Galiouses and other French
cigarettes. I drank Jack Daniels and Amaretto , hung out with much
older kids...got high. Dyed my hair blonde, then purple.I also had sex
for the first time when I was 14. A strange boy on a skateboard with
an impossibly high mowhawk. He was so sexy I initiated it.
I was having a slumber party with six other young teens girls .
We were standing on wobbly legs, drunk and hanging off of my 2nd
floor apartment railing, looking for trouble, danger, fun. I seen a
punk rock boy by the basketball courts doing skateboard tricks, hair
blue, lips painted black. My heart quickened. I began showing off on
the balcony, the brazenly called him up. All seven of us stood
giggling and trying to impress this boy,me the most. I was trying to
impress my friends too and flirted with him outrageously. After
another drink I smiled and grabbed his hand and said " Do you want to
do it?" The other girls had been planning to play truth or dare and I
was determined not to look childish and I so wanted to be the girl he
chose. I couldnt take NOT being chose. "Hell, Yes" he said,SO I took
him back into my mother's bedroom and we lay on the bed and he told me
to spread my legs.
I had known that already and felt stupid and
childish for not automatically spreading them. When he put his
engorged penis inside I swear it didn't even hurt, so anxious was I to
do adult things .He moved it back and forth and I thought it was
pleasureable but..was a little let down. This is it? Afterwards I
looked at him, imagined handcuffing him to the bed to keep him and
laughed. He was so cute. I began tracing tiny hearts on his skin with
my finger tip, hoping to start another fire and have him again,see if
there were more to this. I imagined being his girlfriend, carrying his
skateboard. I must of been smiling to myself and looking mushy because
he (John) groaned and rolled away and said " Oh No, Are you going to
fall in love with me, because I dont want a girlfriend". He fished
black lipstick out of a shredded pocket and smeared it on his
lips,looking in the dresser mirror. A young Robert from The Cure.
In fact, we were listening to The Cure. I sat up in bed,
pulling the sheet over my meager form. " NO I am not " I said and
smiled, some ugly thing inside of me coiled up, stealing my breath. He
smiles with ease and said " "Good ..I am glad you are not a
virgin..they always fall in love with me " . The ugly thing coiled up
again. I was too shy to tell him I had been a virgin now. I didn't
like this boy now, I was disillusioned and it felt like he had wounded
me. I could hear my jealous friend Ana crying from the living room. I
smiled at him evil, lit a Galiouse.. " :Yeah well not this one" I
said and stormed off with the sheet around me, leaving him
alone ..suddenly I wasnt quite ready to brag about my experience. And
suddenly I knew boys would always do this, unless you did it to them
FIRST .
written by Chicago Escort - Generosa Goodhand
My private diary and pic gallery ..get to know me !
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